Am I Codependent?
Often when I hear people talk about codependency, it’s in this context:
You’re so close to someone that you do everything together. You finish each other’s sentences. And you even joke that you’re “codependent.”
But sometimes you wonder… is it really just a joke?
Or ARE you actually codependent?
Does Codependency just mean being close to someone else?
No, no it does not. There is much more to co-dependency than deep closeness to another person!
Read on to learn more.
The History of Codependency
The term codependency actually doesn’t come from the mental health field, but rather, from Alcoholics Anonymous.
In the 1940’s, the partners (primarily wives) of folks in Alcoholics Anonymous realized that they also needed support for what their spouse was going through, and formed the group Al-Anon. Today, Al-Anon is a support group for any loved one of an alcoholic.
We don’t know how exactly, but the term codependent became associated with Al-Anon around the 1970’s. And in more recent years, it has expanded to include anyone who displays the behaviors and challenges associated with the term.
What is Codependency?
Author Melody Beattie defines codependency as: “One who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”
That definition can be a hard pill for codependents to swallow.
Your initial reaction may be - well, that can’t be me! I’m not controlling, I’m an empath!
But please stick with me, because what you’re about to read next might resonate more.
What are some of the most common characteristics of codependents?
Feel an outsized sense of responsibility for others’ feelings and lives
Have trouble recognizing their own wants or needs
Have trouble saying “no” and setting healthy boundaries
Frequently find themselves in relationships with needy people
Feel taken advantage of or victimized by others
Feel excessive guilt and shame
Their sense of self-worth is highly dependent on others, for better and for worse
Frequently discuss other people and their problems
Use helplessness, guilt, coercion, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination to try to get others to do what they think is best
Are afraid of anger - their own and others’
Are in desperate need of more love and support but often reject it
Well, I think I’m codependent… now what?
If you’re resonating with this definition and are ready to change NOW, looking up a local Al-Anon group may be a great avenue.
If you feel uneasy about the whole concept of codependence, or still aren’t sure if you fall into this category, you might consider individual therapy to explore it more!
Rebecca Ogle at Grounded Counseling enjoys working with codependents, as well as folks who may have some characteristics but not others.
Why don’t more therapists talk about codependence?
The short answer is, more therapists don’t talk about codependence because it is a term from the world of self-help, not the world of mental health.
The long answer is… therapists are more likely to define the characteristics of codependence as being part of an attachment style or trauma disorder.
Therapy for Codependence
Rebecca Ogle, LCSW at Grounded Counseling loves treating codependence, as well as complex PTSD and “fawn response” in her practice!
Reach out today if you’re interested in working with her!
